Day 3 – Journey to Life – I’ve been a Beauty Junkie

by christineah

I have focused on beauty my whole life.  I actually believed at one time that this was one of my missions in life to mirror the beauty I saw in the world, in people, to find the beauty and only focus on the beauty to elevate everyone in my presence, because, of course, everyone likes to feel beautiful.

I raised my daughter by telling her every day, how beautiful she was, which backfired because she as her mind needed to be reassured constantly on how beautiful she looked and was.

I actually agonized in my last relationship because he envariably would not tell me I was beautiful, and that became a huge issue that I was not beautiful in his eyes, I was not his ideal of what beauty was.

I could see in someone’s eyes whether I was their idea of beauty or not.

I am no longer in this relationship and haven’t been for over ten years, and I do not tell my daughter everyday how beautiful she is feeding the mind construct that I helped establish.

But I do still notice beauty all around me and use the word beautiful, beauty, lovely still, when I look at trees, flowers, animals in nature,  a beautiful person, albeit a man, woman or child.

I still notice how lovely my surroundings are and how I am still responding within and as me to this energetic experience of “how beautiful it is”, “everywhere I look I see beauty”

I was raised to accentuate my beauty, and I like my daughter craved that constant feedback on how beautiful I was.

When I was younger it was how beautiful and sexy I was and as I became more ‘spiritual’ – how beautiful I was on the inside and out – how I radiated with beauty because I was beautiful on the inside making my outside more beautiful.

And as I wrote in my last blog, I did readings and counseled many, many people over quite and number of years, always telling them how beautiful they were and especially young people who, I felt, needed to be reminded how beautiful and special they were.

Wow, what a crock!

I see now how I fed off this energetic exchange of focusing on the beauty of people, making them feel good about themselves and in turn making me feel good about myself.

So here goes,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life as a beauty junkie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a bubble of an energetic mindconstruct where I only looked at the beauty of life, telling myself that was part of my mission.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that telling people how beautiful they are was something they needed to hear because you could never say it often enough, reminding them to see their own beauty and the beauty around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that beauty was of a higher vibration and needed to be cultivated to create a beautiful world, wherein all that was ugly would somehow miraculously fall away if I/we just focused on beauty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in mind backchat and make a judgment when out and about during the day wherein I will notice something and tell myself “oh how beautiful” rather than “oh there’s a rose bush” “oh there’s an oak tree”, “oh there’s a baby”, instead always qualifying this observance with “how beautiful’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist within myself with backchat ‘what’s wrong with noticing how beautiful those flowers, etc, are’ wherein what I am doing is still participating within the mind and having an energetic experience, in separation, while making and stating this observation, instead of realizing that I am the flower, I am the tree, I am the baby, there is no separation, there is only oneness and equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify beauty as something that is real, instead of realizing that it is a quality of the mind and has no practical value, and only distracts me from what is right Here.

So therefore, I commit to stand up and breathe when my mind wants to engage in backchat about qualifying something as beautiful and go into an emotional experience in separation of who I really am.

I commit myself to Stand Up instead of accepting and allowing the experience of beauty to exist within and as me.

I commit myself accept and value myself as who I am as Life as one as equal and not in separation of what is outside of me by participating within an experience of the mind.

So I will place myself Here and Breathe, taking responsibility for who I am and what I have created, applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective applications One Step at a Time.

 

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